Welcome to the beginning of Act I – Awakening: Self-discovery and observation, and the start of the new content flow system I’ve worked on. If you haven’t already, you can view the post detailing how the new content will be delivered, as I hope to provide a more progression-focused path.
Today, we are going to discuss a part of this awakening, and why it’s alright to not fit in.
The first step toward peace is realizing you were never supposed to be like everyone else.
The Illusion of Belonging
When I was going through my college years in undergraduate school, I felt displaced and out of my comfort zone. Instead of learning more about these feelings and how I could’ve been handled them in a more positive light, I found comfort in an illusion. I changed who I was, at least on the surface, so that I could fit into a group of people that I normally wouldn’t have chosen. I created a façade, and joined in comradery with substances that I should’ve avoided. Experimentation is natural, and I don’t judge my younger-self for it, but I wish I would’ve experimented in a more natural way, instead of trying to force myself into this group of people.
I gave up things that I enjoyed, and hid details about who I was so that I could fit in with this group. I pretended to like things that I didn’t particularly have fun doing, and I also pretended I didn’t care about things I really loved.
This behavior of mine is rooted in evolution. Thousands of years ago, we were tribal-oriented creatures, we sought safety in numbers. Changing one’s behavior to fit in with the tribe was tightly aligned with survival, and it made sense to change your behavior if you have an imminent threat of starvation or being killed by another animal. Even to these modern days, we have this survival instinct: we see people connect with topics like corporate culture, fashion trends, or social media conformity.
However, we have moved away from belonging to blending in. We should aim to belong to a group that we want to be a part of, instead of trying to blend into a group we don’t enjoy. Life isn’t as dangerous as it was thousands of years ago, in a general sense. Especially in the western-world, the average person has a much safer life than those that lived on earth thousands of years ago. We should seek to move our mindset from survival to belonging, because this would fall in line with your natural enjoyment of life, and not seeking validation or approval.
Our desire to fit in with groups is our ego seeking validation, which is mistaking approval for identity. You know what activities bring you joy, and you know which ones you don’t like; you should seek groups that welcome you because you have a natural enjoyment of the same thing.
I’ll give you an example: I really enjoy playing card games. Pretty much any card game will do. I like poker and also collectible card games, so I seek out belonging at local game and card shops, as I enjoy learning about new cards and playing the games with other like-minded people. I used to ignore this desire and fondness of cards, and pretend I didn’t enjoy it when I was trying to fit in with that group from college. I find a much better connection to the people at these card shops than I did my previous friend group, because I am not trying to override my desires.
This need to belong doesn’t just shape our choices, it can actually govern how we think.
The Anxiety of Approval
When we try to force ourselves into situations to combat the anxiety of being alone, we tend to overthink how we’re perceived, and how we compare ourselves to others in the group, instead of just being ourselves. We suppress or own true opinions and interests, and reinforce those that are present in groupthink (patterns of thought characterized by self-deception, forced manufacture of consent, and conformity to group values and ethics).
Think back on a time when you were in a group setting and you changed your behavior or pretended to like something in order to gain approval of the group. For example, if you were at a work event and everyone was talking about the city’s sports team, but you don’t really like sports; however, for the sake of fitting in, you pretended like you were interested and talked about something you don’t care about.
In Zen, understand that there is no audience, there is no group to fit into. There is only awareness. You are not the image others see, nor are you the image that you maintain of yourself in your mind’s eye.
In my professional career, I do not tailor my behavior to make sure someone approves of me, however, I do remain respectful. In the western world, incorporating Zen into our daily lives means being true to ourselves, but at the same time, it’s important to understand that other people are not on this journey with us, so we need to find that balance between expressing our opinions to others and finding peace that not everyone is going to understand Zen and the path we are on.
Peace doesn’t begin with rebelling. It begins with recognition, by noticing our actions in these situations and understanding that it’s all a game. We should act with true authenticity, be yourself and seek out the things in life that you enjoy, and eventually you will find the tribe you belong to, not one that you try to force yourself into.
Be careful not to go too far in the opposite direction, because acting authentic, instead of being authentic, can become its own identity mask. You could fall into the trap of trying to swing too far to the other side, instead, try to find the middle ground of understanding and true authenticity.
Once we see the cost of this constant need for approval, we can begin to look inward.
The Freedom of Standing Alone
True belonging is not aligned with similarities but with connection. You do not fit into the universe, you are the universe. Everyone and everything, all the trees and the dirt and the dogs and the people, we are all the universe, and we are all connected. The universe is a living being, and we come out of the universe just like apples come out of an apple tree. The apple is an extension of the tree, just as we are extensions of the cosmos. (Related Post: Life Grows from the Universe)
We see and interact with the material world just as all of nature does, and its through this interaction that the universe gets to enjoy itself. So, as the universe enjoys itself, so should you.
The cosmos does not seek acceptance, it just is. When we stop seeking acceptance we understand that we are never rejected. The next time you feel out of place, or when those anxieties start rising up in your chest and you feel like you need to change something about yourself to appease someone, try to just observe that feeling instead of fixing it. When we push back against ourselves, we end up alienating our true self.
Lastly, I don’t think that you need to shrink in order to fit into groups, or reduce who you are so other people like you. Let the world and your horizons expand, so you can find somewhere when you truly belong.
You will find peace when you stop performing and simply remember: you were never meant to be anyone else.
Really enjoyed your perspective on this blog. Fits me to the T.