There is an irony when we pretend to be ourselves, because we think that we’re being authentic, but in reality we are putting on a show or another mask to “be ourselves”. We do not need to think about how to act in order to be ourselves, we just live our lives and enjoy the things we like, but what we don’t do is consciously make a decision to “be us”, because once we do that then we are performing.
The ego is a sneaky part of the self, it will do anything in its power to stay relevant and stay alive.
We’ve learned how to be observant and become aware in Act 1, and now in Act 2 we are understanding more about the self and the ego. We’re taking so much time to understand these things because awareness is a massive part of living in the moment. When we don’t have awareness, our minds will take hold of its surroundings and we will try to assert our egos over the world around us.
We talked last time about identify after achievements, that victories or promotions can change people and how they interact with the world, and this time we will discuss how personifying “your self” will bring the ego back into the fold.
I can understand this sounds confusing, and it will make more sense when we move into the later acts where we dismantle the ego, but for now, we’re going to deepen our understanding of this other side of the ego.
The Performance of Realness
In modern Western culture, we have an obsession with authenticity. We’re told to “be ourselves,” but the moment we try to be ourselves, we are performing for an audience (even if that audience is just our own ego).
Think about it: When someone tells you to be yourself, what do you do? What thoughts do you have about your perception of self?
It could mean you try to be more relaxed because you see yourself as an easy-going person, or you try and be tougher about a situation that is emotionally draining because you have a hardcore attitude and you’re a bad ass. This is what we are talking about, the self-prescribed definition of yourself is the performance of the ego.
Even perceived good behaviors can be signs of the ego trying to break through. When we curate an “authentic” version of ourselves for social media or social standing, we are using our ego as a commodity. For example, in the corporate world there is a lot of talk about “being vulnerable” and “expressing vulnerability”. A lot of discussion leads with “I am going to be vulnerable now…” and then their statement continues.
People have attached a higher degree of moral value to someone that is vulnerable versus someone who isn’t, and while being vulnerable and expressing those exposures is important, it’s paramount to be genuine about it and not be vulnerable for the sake of it. It’s like art, you can tell when someone creates something beautiful because they love their craft versus someone who heavily commercializes their product and only paints to get paid. Being genuine is beautiful.
Love Bombing: Here is an example of people pretending to be transparent and authentic. Sometimes, in relationships or partnerships, one of the people involved will “love bomb” the other in order to get what they want or to manipulate the other person into believing that they are genuinely in love with them. They are pretending to be in love with the other person to get something they want. Read More: What is Love Bombing.
The Ego’s Stealth Mode
Sometimes the ego can take control over us without us really noticing, that is why we have to pay attention and why being observant is so important, because it can sneak right back up on you without you knowing. The ego is clever. When it can no longer shine at the position it just obtained, like we talked about before in the post Identity After Achievement, it seeks out something new, like being “The Most Authentic Person in the Room”. The ego will force you to pretend to be authentic and warp you into something you’re not, because it wants to be viewed as the most authentic.
When you pride yourself on being something, like a rebel or authentic, this is just another script. It’s a new cage that prevents you from simply being. Reject labels or descriptors and you will find yourself being authentic naturally, without the need to describe it or announce it. Labels are useless, because you are not those labels.
Understand that the ego wants to be seen, it wants to feel good and it wants you to put it in the limelight. We have conditioned ourselves to want this behavior, because that is how society has formed and what is ingrained in us. However, that is not what is needed and, in the end, not something that matters.
The ego thinks that it can preserve itself through space and time, through life and death, and through all manners of change – but it cannot. Eventually, after some amount of time, the ego will die and fade away into obscurity. The ego doesn’t care too much about physical death, but it fears the fading away much more. The ego doesn’t care when the body dies, it cares when the last person remembers them. But understand, after millions or billions of years, no one is going to remember you or what you’ve done, because change is the only thing that happens in the universe, and we need to observe that and understand it. We are just a part of this change.
The ego fears being nothing, but that is exactly what we are.
Drop the Final Costume
Let’s look at a flower. It isn’t trying to do anything, it doesn’t have a brand or a commercial to sell you its pedals. It just blooms when its time and wilts when its time. It just is. This is the approach we should take, and we should just be ourselves.
Being authentic or vulnerable is not about announcing it, it’s about just simply being it. It’s not a goal to reach or something to announce, it’s what’s left when you stop trying to be something and just be it.
Seek relief, because now you don’t need to consistently appease people or manipulate yourself to be someone you’re not. You’re free to be you, and you’re free to be different things at different moments of your life, because at the end of the day, you are an observer, not the mask you wear.