Sometimes, we follow scripts and predetermined paths that we didn’t decide on or really even think about. It can feel eerie when we realize that the stories of our lives can be heavily influenced by outside forces. Last week we discussed how patterns and identity are ingrained in us throughout our existence. They come from our family, religion, school, and friends. They wire our thoughts and build up our egos, either for good or for worse, and we fit into roles that society has created that best match our crafted selves.
First, I suggest you read last week’s post on The Borrowed Code of Self if you haven’t already, because today I want to focus on the person and ego that came out of those coded beliefs. I want to discuss ourselves. I will use myself as an example in a few sections ahead to illustrate how the ego uses the coded patterns to establish itself in society, and what we can do to isolate that behavior for if and when we want or need to.
The idea of no-self, removing and destroying the ego, is a foundational layer of Zen philosophy. Every day we are working to understand more about ourselves and our egos, and how we can harness this understanding to alleviate our anxiety about the world and our existence in it. We can lessen our worry when we understand we are a part of nature and a part of a whole.
When you look at an animal, you see it for what it is: a dog, a cat, or a human. Depending on your point of view, of course, because if you zoom in, you can see millions of single-celled organisms going about their lives inside of these creatures. The dog is unaware they have billions of bacteria in their digestive tract. Most humans go about their day never once thinking of the white blood cells that are fighting off viruses. These cells are dying inside of your body all the time, but you seldom, if ever, care about them. This is because of perspective. When you zoom out, you don’t see humans or cats or dogs anymore. You see a planet, then a solar system, then a galaxy, and then a universe. What’s beyond that perspective? We don’t know and probably shouldn’t care to know. Whatever is beyond the scope of the universe certainly doesn’t care about some animals running around on this particular planet; they’ve got trillions of planets that make up their perspective!
My point is, we should focus on enjoying our lives now, and we start by examining our ego, as it is a principle antagonist to our enjoyment of life.
Where Does an Ego Come From?
Our egos are crafted through society, family, friends, school, books, television shows, movies, dreams, and our own self through interpretation of these aspects of life. All of these inlets become internalized dialogue, not necessarily chosen, but absorbed and replayed.
The self is constructed via a series of stories and reactions, not a fixed essence of “who” we are, nor is it a person’s “soul.” A person’s ego is defined by their surroundings, teachings, upbringing, and so on. You could take a baby and clone it, and put it into two completely different parts of the world, and that baby would grow up with a completely different personality and ego than the other one.
Through a lifetime of learning via observation, direct teaching, and osmosis, we eventually craft our egotistical mind. We are not provided guidance to see things as they are; rather, we are told there must be a purpose to everything.
Persona vs. Pattern
A persona is a character that you perform as, or a mask you wear; while a pattern is the ingrained identity narrative of who you think you are.
Let’s perform an exercise: when you’re at a social gathering and someone asks you what you like to do for fun, what do you say?
Most icebreakers that I’ve been to in corporate America result in the same tried and true responses to these questions. They are very boilerplate and offer no insight to what this person might actually enjoy for fun; rather, they just list off their attributes or inherited descriptions from society. They provide answers like, “I’m a parent to three kids, my husband and I like to go hiking. We have a dog named Checkers.”
I wonder, are these statements really them, or just descriptors forced upon them by society? Clinging to a fixed self is a root of suffering. When identity becomes rigid, we lose direct awareness of experience.
That is why I always answer these icebreaking questions with something that I’m truly interested in and I give a specific example of something I’ve done. I talk about the chickens and how I’ve raised them, that they’re laying eggs finally and I’ve come to enjoy the quality of fresh, organic, cage-free eggs that the store-bought ones just can’t compare with. My raw and real description of things that I enjoy always garners excitement from my group, because I’m not talking about something ego-focused.
When Scripts Become Identity
When we say things like “I am an avid backpacker,” or “I am a baseball player,” instead of saying “I enjoy backpacking” or “I like to play baseball,” we are asserting that this act or behavior is our identity and ego.
When we do this, and someone else says they think baseball is lame, or they say that backpacking is a waste of time, we get upset, because it feels like they are insulting us, for we made it a part of our ego-focused description of ourselves.
If you get comfortable removing these scripts from your identity and start saying it like, “I have fun backpacking, it’s enjoyable to be outdoors,” and someone says in response, “I think backpacking’s a waste of time,” then you don’t really care, because it’s just an activity. You don’t get the defensive urge to combat their statement as you’ve separated it from your ego.
Seek Awareness Outside of the Script
Observe any recurring storylines about self-worth, listen for internal voices that aren’t your own, and then ask yourself, “Who would I be if something changed?” When things change in my life, and my living arrangements get shifted around, or I no longer have access to a hobby I enjoyed, or I have a new job, none of that causes me to think that I’m anything but a piece of the universe, and I’m here to enjoy my time as best I can. If one of my hobbies is no longer possible to enjoy, say I loved mountain climbing but now I live in a beach town, then I’d find other things to enjoy.
Don’t define your life based on a script that you didn’t even write. Other people told you who you were, and you listened to them, but now is your chance to break free from that and do what you want. Seek out what you enjoy and find a way to incorporate it into your life.
The Script is Not You
The scripts that we’ve been given are not our identities; they are patterns of responses and narratives that have been given to us and we can observe. Awareness, not identification, reveals you are the open space in which stories appear and fade.
If all of those scripts were false, given to us by other people, if none of them were true, who remains?